I'm Not Pregnant, Damn It!
by Aishiteru Sabaku no Gaara
Summary: Pein/Konan. This is a CRACKFIC! My first crackfic. If you don't like OOC Pein and Konan, then don't reaad it. Pein has a dream about Konan about to give birth, but what other events transpire? Sasori and Deidara make a guest appearance.


A/N: This is an excerpt from a story I was writing for a friend involving Naruto OC's, but she kinda left my life so... Oh, yes. This one is dedicated to Pein and Konan. Though it is extremely OOC. Oh well....I can play them better, but I just didn't feel like changing the personalities of the other characters to fit these two. Now that I look at it, it should have been Deidara and Sasori, but I don't really understand the whole concept of "male pregnancy" so I decided to leave that one untouched. Until I can do some research on it, it will remain untouched. For now, enjoy an OOC Konan and Pein fic! Ja ne!

* * *

**I'm Not Pregnant Damn It!**

**Xx..xX..Xx..xX**

* * *

Everyone at the Akatsuki base was asleep. Konan slept in her shared room with Pein on her own bed, curled up peacefully, and the others were in their rightful places. The young leader had finally gotten to sleep after a week of his insomnia acting up. While he was sleeping, he had a disturbing dream.

_He was sitting with a pregnant Konan. His eyes met with hers and they stared lovingly into each other's eyes. His hand was on her stomach, feeling the almost nonexistent kicking of their new life. Konan's hand rested on his as they shared a gentle kiss. _

Outside of his dream, Pein groaned. So soft. So warm. It felt so real. His face was even red from the blushing.

_Konan suddenly winced in pain. Pein broke the kiss to look at her with concern. His first thought was that she was having complications with her pregnancy. That's the last thing a father wants to hear. He was about to ask what was wrong with her, but she cut in, her voice heavy with fear and pain. "It's time," she panted. Pein's eyes were wide. "Hurry up! It's time!" she groaned._

Suddenly, Pein shot up out of bed, his eyes still closed. He was still half asleep. His eyes were cracked open, but they were glazed over with sleep, showing he was still out of it. "Fuck! I know! Shut up!" he yelled. He quickly rushed to Konan's side of the room. He quickly swept the sleeping girl up into his arms. He leaped out the window and headed off toward Ame's hospital quickly, holding Konan close.

Konan was jarred from her slumber as she felt herself being lifted off of her bed. She blinked a few times and looked up, seeing Pein. His eyes were open, but they didn't look right. She tilted her head curiously. "Pein? What's going on?" she asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"You're pregnant. You were just screaming at me to hurry up and take you to the hospital, saying 'it's time, it's time' and now you're asking me where we're going? What are you stupid? We're going to the hospital so you can deliver _my_ child," he growled, running faster.

Konan's face lit up, her jaw dropping to the ground. Did he just say she was pregnant with _his_ child? Was he high? She shook from her daze, desperate to wake him up. This wasn't funny anymore. "We've never had sex!" she squeaked, her voice raising in octave at her shot nerves.

"Liar! What are you? Doing crack? Look at yourself! You're as fat as a cow! We've had sex in so many positions, I'm surprised you can still walk normally! Let alone back talk and argue in your current state! You're pregnant and we're going!" he growled, making it to the hospital. He ran to the front desk, Konan in his arms, redder than red.

"Pein! I'm not pregnant!" she screeched, now getting pissed at his insisting.

Pein glared down at her and Konan glared back, but shut up. He redirected his half lidded, orange eyes to the receptionist. "My girlfriend's pregnant. Admit her," he ground out. Konan had to replay those words at the title. His girlfriend? Since when?

The receptionist blinked and tilted her head curiously. All she saw was a skinny girl being carried by a half asleep man. The receptionist stood and looked at Konan. "Er...sir? If she's pregnant, I certainly can't tell," she said respectfully, secretly questioning his sanity.

Pein growled and leaned up to her. "She's pregnant and going into labor. If she delivers this baby on the floor, I will kill you," he threatened, his eyes turning a darker orange.

The receptionist gulped and got a nurse to call a doctor. A few seconds later, a doctor came rushing up to them. The receptionist explained everything and the doctor looked at the young "couple" curiously. "Er...what's the problem?" the young doctor asked. It was a young, possibly mid twenties, red headed man.

Pein growled. "She's pregnant. Why is everyone in this hospital blind and deaf?" he growled. "Admit her. Or I swear I will kill you all," he threatened, his voice cold and level.

The doctor looked at Konan and saw her shake her head with annoyed and frustrated eyes. He gulped quietly. He took her from Pein and they walked to a room. Konan was admitted and the young leader was antsy. He soon fell asleep as soon as he laid his head down on her stomach. She was pissed at him for calling her fat and stupid. She would have to have a conversation with him later tomorrow. Now, since she was "pregnant," she needed sleep.

* * *

Back at base, Deidara and Sasori heard the commotion. They tried to run after Pein, but decided it best to stay out of it. Especially since Pein was half asleep and frantic, saying Konan was pregnant. As they laid there, Deidara cracked up. He had to ask Konan about that tomorrow. He looked down at his sleeping partner and smiled warmly. Sasori's head rested on Deidara's collarbone and his arm around his pale stomach. The younger's hand played with his hair, soothing the puppeteer into a deeper sleep. He felt himself being pulled closer and blushed. "Are you still laughing?" Sasori asked with a smirk.

Deidara laughed quietly and looked up innocently. "Maybe, un," he giggled.

The Suna born rolled his eyes and kissed him softly. "Don't make me put you to sleep," he grinned down at his brat suggestively.

Deidara tilted his head. "How, un?"

Sasori smirked and the next thing that was heard was "stop, un!" followed by giggles, gasps, and whines.

* * *

The next morning, Konan slowly woke up. She felt a warm constricting on her hand. She tried to sit up, not being comfortable in her current position. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw Pein's head on her stomach and her hand in his. She remembered exactly where they were and why. Her brow twitched as she glared at him.

Pein slowly came to. His eyes opened and he sat up. He looked around and tilted his head. He then looked down at their hands. He looked at Konan and saw her glaring at him for some reason. "Where are we? What the hell happened? Why are we in the hospital?" he asked. He looked at her curiously.

Konan's brow twitched angrily. Her arms were crossed. "You bastard," she said venomously. Pein raised a brow. This should be interesting. "You called me stupid and you said I was fat as a cow! Now give me my damn strawberry pocky! Thanks to you, I've been deprived of it!" she raged, flailing her arms wildly.

Pein tilted his head in confusion. He looked so cute right now. He noticed the IV in her arm and blinked. He then looked down at her stomach. His eyes bugged out of his head. He gingerly reached forward, poking it. He let out the breath he was holding unconsciously and sighed. "Thank god," he breathed. Konan glared at him evilly. Her normally soft blue eyes were now an angry cerulean. They looked like ice. Pein looked at her. "Are you sure?" he asked, poking her stomach again.

Konan growled and shot up out of bed, yanking the IV from her arm in the process. She stood in front of him angrily, glaring down at him. When she jumped up, the pillow fell, much to Pein's relief. Konan lifted her hospital gown, exposing her flat stomach. Pein's vision trailed lower and saw her black underwear with little red cherries on the side. "Do I look fucking pregnant to you?!" she growled.

Pein resisted the urge to reply with a smart ass comment along the lines of "no, but we can change that." He could even reply with a yes and get away with it. So he thought. "You wake me up at two in the morning and insist I'm pregnant with _your_," she said as she pointed a finger in his face, "child and rush me to a hospital, saying 'it's time, it's time!' Then you had the nerve to call me a cow! And thanks to you, I had a needle jammed in my skin! How do you explain yourself, Nagato!?" she growled.

Pein blinked and bit her finger, glaring up at her. He saw her glare back at him, clearly unphased. He released her and started to laugh hysterically. He didn't even catch his name being used. His _real_ name. Konan glared at him angrily. She clenched her fists and shook with anger. She made a mental note how beautiful his laughter was and to make him laugh more often. She shook it off and glared. "Don't laugh at me, you bastard! You, of all people, should _not_ be laughing right now, Nagato!" she growled.

Pein glared at her dangerously. His eyes flashed a dangerous and deadly orange. "Don't ever call me that again," he warned.

Konan growled angrily. "You better drop that attitude with me, Pein! After what you put me through last night, you owe me!" Pein quirked a brow curious as to how and why he owed her. She pointed her finger at him and grinned evilly. "You're going to be my slave for the next hundred years!" she said like a lunatic.

Pein started laughing again. This girl was off her rocker. There was something in that IV that made her crazy. There had to be. Konan took off her slipper and chucked it at his head. The door opened, revealing the same doctor as before with red hair. He saw the slipper bounce off of Pein's head and said man catch it. It was dead silent in there. The doctor stared blankly at the "couple." He shook his head. "Er...hello. I'm Doctor Koga Shitori. Er...I have your test results here, Miss Konan." He pulled out a chart and Pein and Konan looked at him curiously. Pein didn't understand what results he could be talking about.

Konan glared at Pein. "Miss Konan, you are free to go. You are not pregnant. But I must say...Pein needs to stay. He needs to be admitted for psychological evaluation for his, and everyone else's, safety and-"

Pein glared at the doctor evilly. The doctor shut up. He valued his life. Pein refused to be called crazy. Konan smirked and hopped off the bed. She walked over to Pein and snatched her slipper from his hand. She whacked him in the back of the head with it before she slipped it on. "See you at home, _honey_," she grinned. Pein glared at her back and was left alone with the doctor. Oh the fun.

* * *

Deidara and Sasori woke up and were currently in the living room having a mini make out session with added tickle wars and play slaps. They heard the door open and Deidara tilted his head back to see who it was. He saw Konan. He grinned. "Konan, un!" he called. Sasori kept nipping at his partner's collarbone on the couch. The blond palmed his forehead, pushing him back for a minute with a giggle. Konan waved and retrieved some pocky. "Was it a boy or a girl, yeah?" he asked with fake excitement.

Konan glared. She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, looking at Deidara. "It was a boy. His name is Pein," she said, nodding her head. She rolled her eyes and stomped up to her room. She had just called her leader a big baby. How nice she was. She brushed off everything for now. She wanted some alone time to get into some different clothes and contemplate why Pein was having such dreams about her.

The Iwa artist giggled and Sasori bit his finger. He turned his attention back to his danna and grinned. "Sand shark, yeah!" he laughed. The Suna puppeteer smirked and got up. He figured he would fix dinner tonight. The blond boy adjusted his shirt and followed with a bounce. "What's for dinner, un?!" he smiled.

Sasori smirked and pinned him against the fridge. "You," he grinned as he kissed him again. Deidara giggled and went along with it.

* * *

Pein returned two hours later, blood on his shirt. Under his arm was a bundle of strawberry pocky and something else that couldn't be seen. He growled and walked upstairs, past the lovey dovey make out session on the kitchen floor. He really didn't want to know where that was going...

He went up to Konan's room and heard her in the shower. Good thing she was. He had a feeling he would be grilled about his odd dream. He set everything on her bed and went to his own room. He closed Konan's door as he left.

Konan came out a few minutes later, wrapped in a black towel. She rubbed the junction of her neck and shoulder with a relieved sigh. It felt so good to have that long hot shower. She opened her eyes and saw something littering her bed. She tilted her head and walked over to it. She nearly squealed, seeing the strawberry pocky. Her jaw just about dropped, however, as her eyes fell upon a single red rose with something tied to the stem. She picked it up and saw a silver chained bracelette with a red heart dangling from it. She smiled warmly. "Pein," she whispered with a warm smile. This had to be from him. She guessed this was his way of apologizing or something.

Konan quickly got dressed in her Ame clothes. She filled it out better now that she had boobs. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked pretty. She smiled and brought her hand up to her stomach. "What would it be like?" she whispered to herself with a blush at carrying Pein's child. She shook her head and glared. _'Not in a million years!'_ she thought with a grin at how much a spawn of satan that child would be. She left her room and walked to Pein's, eager to see him.

She burst through Pein's door and saw him with a white towel tied around his hips, exposing the entirity of his upper body. The six pack, the V, his chest...everything. Konan blinked as she saw him standing there with a towel on his head, drying his hair wth pocky sticking out his mouth. His piercings were out as he looked at her. Konan's nose started bleeding. What a shocker. Her nose never bled under these circumstances. She was normally cool and collected, but for some reason, now wasn't one of her best moments. "Wow," she said unconsciously.

Pein rolled his eyes and kept drying his hair, closing his eyes as he walked over to his dresser. "First, I'm a bastard, now, I'm 'wow.' Make up your mind, Konan," he said as he took the towel off his head. His hair was more ruffled than Naruto's. And that's saying something. He picked out some pants and looked at Konan. The pocky bounced in his mouth as he looked her over. When his eyes found hers, he smirked. "Are you expecting a show of some sorts? You stare long enough, I might do a trick," he teased. He walked back into his bathroom.

Konan could make out the slight ruffling of clothes. No, he was _not_ getting dressed with the bathroom door wide open. She didn't even catch his smart ass comments. She had blanked out when she saw damn near everything of her leader. Naked. In a skimpy towel. Wet. She covered her face and stood there with a blush, looking at the floor. "Uh...Pein?" she called. She heard a "what." "I have a problem," she said, holding her nose.

Pein peaked his head out of the bathroom and blinked. He smirked and walked over to her. He led her into his bathroom and sat her down on the counter. He started to wet a towel, the pocky still sticking out of his mouth. Konan tried her best to keep her blood to herself. Pein rung the towel out and grabbed her wrist, pulling it away from her face. She blushed, increasing the blood flow. "Stop blushing. Calm your nerves. I'm not even doing anything," he grumbled around the pocky.

"I'm sorry. I can't help it," she said as she watched him start to clean up her face.

"Yeah. I know," he sighed. He gently wiped away the blood as Konan sat there. She watched him, her blush slowly fading. "Is there a reason why you burst into my room?" he asked as he leaned closer to wipe more blood off.

Konan tried to steady her nerves. "Um...yeah. I came to ask you-"

"Why I dreamed that?" he asked, cutting her off. Konan nodded. "No more blushing," he growled softly. Konan nodded. Easy for him to say. He wasn't in love with her and thought it a privelage to even be in the same room. He sighed as he stood up, rinsing out the bloody rag. "Don't know. My dreams are weird. Not like I can control them," he grumbled, snapping the pocky. It dropped down the sink and he growled. "Damn it!"

Konan smirked and reached beside her for the box. She picked out another pocky stick and held it up, icing to him. He looked at her and blinked. Konan smirked proudly at him, inviting him to take it. He rolled his eyes and closed his mouth around the pocky stick, taking it from her. He mumbled a "thanks" and Konan nodded. "Maybe it's your subconscious telling you something?" she asked, trying to understand it.

Pein choked on his pocky and covered his mouth. Konan patted his back, turning to him in concern. The coughs subsided and Konan kept her hand on his back. She asked if he was okay and Pein sighed heavily. "That's not funny," he said quietly. Konan shrugged with a sly smirk.


End file.
